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7:18 p.m.
2002-01-23
For my tenth birthday, my mom bought me my first diamond, on a little silver chain necklace. I remember opening it in the car, and then losing the diamond two minutes later while trying to put it on. We searched the car in front of the health food store for ages, then went inside after having no luck.
We never found the diamond, and days, weeks, and even months later I would pick up my silver chain and cry. I felt horrible for being so careless, for losing something so valuable, and for being a general dolt, loser, and un-responsible brat.
That Christmas, or the one after that, my mom bought me another necklace; this time a gold chain with a larger gold heart and diamond inside. When I opened the box I felt so awed, humbled, and stunned I didn't know what to say. I never had expected to be trusted with something so valuable again. I took my necklace with me to California to proudly show it off. After that, I didn't much wear it.
I suspect that I've always been slightly terrified of actually wearing that necklace. Afraid of losing it, damaging it, or something equally bad. I think I was also hesitant to wear it because I'd considered myself above mushly-lovey-dovey heart jewelry. Plus, I'm a dedicated platinum and silver girl.
It's always made me slightly sad though, that I never took to my heart necklace. I so wanted to, I wanted to have a necklace that I wore everywhere, and that people would inquire after if I didn't have.
Then came Scully with her cross pendant that I just *had* to have. The only thing that kept me from getting one, was my inability to justify wearing a cross when I wasn't sure where I stood in religion. (Something told me that founding my own religion, while wearing a cross wouldn't be good.)
So for years now, I've been avoiding necklaces, having far invested far too many emotions into the effort. Now however, that's changed.
Since watching (hmm...shall we take a guess at what movie I'm going to say?) Bridget I've wanted her necklace, as seen below.
I'm in love with this necklace, not so much because Bridget had it, but because Bridget wore it. She wears a heart, even though she's not going out with anyone. She wears with everyday, be it with her frumpiest sweater, or her most elegant dress. She's made it her own.
I'm finally in a place, where for the first time I don't have everything about myself. I don't want to lose weight desperately. I look pretty good in my size 12 Gap Modern Strech Boot Cut jeans. My hairs lovely curly, and lovely straight. My hands are starting to look better, and I have cute boots to go on my large feet. My hair is also the longest it's ever been and red.
I love my red hair.
And...I love my social life. I love that last Biology class Shazz and I talked the whole hour. I love that I'm not obsessing about hating anyone, I love that I'm not dependent on the Internet for friendship. I love that on Tuesdays I watch Gilmore Girls with mom, and I love that I can buy food.
When I lived with dad, I never felt comfortable buying food. Here, mom's starting to make me buy food. I love food. But I'm not *so* dependent on it anymore for emotional purposes.
I'm just in a really good, good, *good* place. I like my family, I'm not mad at anyone. I have a little sister, and I'm happy. Not jealous.
Basically, I'm starting to be happy being Megan, and not mariel. I think I deserve something for that.
So, I'm going to take the advise offered to me from 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens: step out of your comfort zone. I'm a miser when it comes to money, I hate spending anything in case some unforeseen event takes place. So, I'm going to buy this necklace from Tiffany's , unless someone buys it for me, which I highly doubt. It's going to be my Valentines Day present for me, for how far I've come.
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