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12:15 a.m.
2005-07-19
i just realized i don't have a home anymore. what do i say when people ask me if i'm going home now?
home is funny thing for me. home has always been where my mother lives, but it's also been another place...a place with feeling, maybe is the best way to describe it. when my grandparents lived in newport beach, ca, i always felt at home. every single time that plane landed, i was home. i felt the same thing when i went to new york city for the first time. home. that warm feeling that this place i was in, it was made just for me.
i hadn't had that feeling in a very long time. wichita, columbia...those were places my mom lived so they were home, but they weren't home.
andy's car was home to me. saturday when he was driving me back from st.louis airport, i started crying. it wasn't loud, and i doubt he even noticed, but i did. that car...oh that car. we spent so much time in that car, just driving, laughing, everything. we'd ride around at night, listening to delilah and singing along to her choice of cheesy love songs.
now my home, my homehome is gone. and so is my home.
my mom and i are, as she said and i echoed, finished. we do not talk. we will not talk.
andy is gone.
where is home?
~
i sent a text to ashley this morning, saying it would be the last time i talked about andy. i'm amending that to include this post. yesterday....this morning...i still can't quite process it other than to say i feel as though once again i've bene turned off. i hurt, but it's almost an empty sort of hurt, because i've been all hurt out. i cry. the stupidist most random shit makes me cry, but then seeing as how that's the sort of thing that made me happiest with/about andy, it's not a suprise. but i still feel off...i still feel numb.
it wasn't supposed to be like this. it shouldn't have. i deserved better. i did. and i'm angry, and im hurt. but what can i do?
...did you know that once a missionary is set apart, that is to say, once you become a missionary for the church of jesus christ of latter day saints, the only physical contact you may have with a person who is not a family member is to shake their hand?
i didn't. not until it was too late.
andy, his sisters, parents, and i gathered in their driveway at 4am this morning. and i hugged everyone but him goodbye. when i came to andy i got a brusque, "i can't hug you." i couldn't look at him. we shook hands, and i walked away. that's not the goodbye i was supposed to have. i deserved so much more. it's me.
instead of getting the goodbye i deserved from andy, i got it from his grandpa, who droped me off at the bus to kansas city. he hugged me, told me he loved me, and said to keep in touch.
~
i arrived at dad's today. i get a guest room this time, complete with drawers and a closet. i usually have to share with athena. i don't mind sharing, it's just i have living out of a suit case. it gets so messy, i just feel wrong.
so i unpacked. shirts in the closet, pants and underwear in the drawers. shoes...
...shoes.
i left the shoes for the very last. i lined them all up in their pairs by color and style. seeing them, all eleven of them, made me happy. it was the first time all day i'd been happy.
and then i cried. i cried out of happiness that i have so many beautiful shoes. shoes are an ethereal thing for me. to find a pair, a beautiful pair of shoes that fit me...oh the sheer joy. and then i cried out of sadness. these are my shoes, these shoes are me and each have a sad, beautiful story and memory.
my cream nine west stilettos. ($19. bought with jenny. the shoes of new years. ) my black nine west doug stilettos. ($69. bought june 27th, 2004. first pair of stilettos. wore on first non-date, date with andy. running though a million parking lots in them. these shoes are the essence of me.) my new black nine west stilettos ($69. bought with andy.) my black star jones barbie shoes. ($10. bought to piss off andy.) my purple star jones barbie shoes. ($25. bought as are so awful they're good. andy hates them.) my new blush colored slingbacks. ($14.99. bought with andy. i adore them. classic.) new pink flower paterned mules. ($10. hated at first then came to love. they're awesome. andy came in his pants when he saw them.) my pink ballet flats. ($23. bought with mom. andy said he hates flats, but does love these. the austrian professor...'i love your pink ballarina shoes.') my pink suede converse. ($30. love at first sight.) my ratty old blue new balance. (hideous. but i've learned to love running in them.) my old navy dark green flip flops. ($3. mom made me. a year of listening to andy bitch about hating people who wear flip flops. andy wearing flip flops to his manicure and pedicure this week and falling in love with them...fucking awesome.) and these are just the shoes with me. i have more back in new york. my brown stilettos. my brown and black round toe heels. green ballet flats and more.
these shoes are me, and the biggest bit of home i have left.
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